Well, first one. Never did this before.
Life isn't rolling properly for me lately, I think. Recently I figured there's a phase I'm going through right now, or at least I think it's a phase. I'm beginning to get that feeling, that I have no reason to wake up in the morning, or at all. I know it's a bit cliché. You'll forgive me.
I feel like I'm all alone, and I'm not sure if this is how it's supposed to be. Though my problems are all mine, I feel kind of deserted, 'cause I know that if I were someone else, I would help me.
I can honestly say, with no pride or arrogance, that I have a very helping and very giving personality. Usually I help friends with their problems with a friendly chat and some made-up advises. At the beginning I didn't notice that I was doing it, that I act like a psychologist. When I realized that I am, I felt a bit bad inside, because I was afraid I was being arrogant, though I knew I had no reason to think that. I was honestly trying to help. So I just carried on. Well, now, I sure need a friendly chat.
There's an old saying from Rabbi Nachman, 'Even when you fall into mud, shout and shout and shout.' Means you need to cry for help, from G-d or from people. Well, I shout, but to no one, actually. Imagine me standing in the middle of a dark hall, shouting and hearing only my own echoes answering. I'm so, so alone.
I haven't written anything poetic for a month or so. I fear I lost my reason to write. What scares me is that despite that, life goes on. I laugh, I smile, I work, I chat. I'm all cold inside. Not sad, freaking cold. Frozen. Robotic.
It's like I have a totally different side of me, which covers up the other when it's depressed. I think it was society who taught that other side to laugh when inside he wants to cry to death.
Recently I had a dream in which I'm engaged to a girl I know in real life, older than me and not religious. In the dream, I found up that she's secretly crying, because she's afraid of the upcoming marriage. She said it would be very hard for her to marry a religious guy. So I comforted her, and she got better.
I don't know what to think. Maybe this is a hint or something; maybe it means that I have problems that are over my age. Maybe it means I'm afraid of the future. I have no favored option, and it'll be too awkward to talk to that girl, or talk to others about this dream. You know, talk-talk, not just right in some journal.
I wish someone would read this and decide talk to me, I really need some support, or at least understanding.
I'm still shouting at my echoes in the middle of a dark hall, and it's very frustrating.